


pick up the phone, it's me

by corpuscallos_m



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kpop Olymfics, Kpop Olymfics 2017, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-04
Updated: 2017-05-04
Packaged: 2018-10-07 00:03:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10347708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/corpuscallos_m/pseuds/corpuscallos_m
Summary: At nearly forty, Seunghyun struggles with the fact that he's the only Big Bang member who is still alone. Seungri tries to convince him that he isn't.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [kpopolymfics2017](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/kpopolymfics2017) collection. 



> This is Team Future’s fic for the following prompt set:  
>  **NCT U – "Without You"**  
> [lyrics](http://www.kpopviral.com/lyrics/nct-u-without-you-lyrics-english-romanized-translation.html) | [video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6OcvS54KYQ) | [supplementary](https://www.flickr.com/photos/64821865@N08/14029151827/) [prompts](https://www.allmystery.de/i/tsDOmZZ_GdAgUR_tumblr_leb3y4EZwQ1qcnxi8o1_500.png)
> 
>  
> 
> The other 2 fics for this prompt can be found in the collection. Competition winners are chosen by the readers, so please rate this fic using [this survey](https://drive.google.com/open?id=1GyhFzr4MX6F6p_b9f5n6zAAcjzPKkl_ZkJdpQPc28cQ)!

“Hello?” Seungri breathes into the receiver, eyes closed, barely rolled over to answer the phone. There's nothing but breathing on the other end. “Hello?” he repeats.

“Who is it?” his wife, Mijung, says from her side of the bed.

“I don't know,” Seungri says, groggily as he finally opens his eyes to give her a questioning look. The breathing continues until the line cuts. Seungri makes a face, finally actually looking at his phone closer seeing the caller id: YG TOP hyung.

How long had it been since they'd spoke in person let alone on the phone? Last Seungri knew, Seunghyun was living somewhere overseas, somewhere in Europe, living a life of art curating and vineyard owning. For what reason would he need to call Seungri in the middle of the night?

“It was Seunghyun,” Seungri says, incredulously. He calls Seunghyun back, listens to the dial tone as it rings and rings. Seunghyun doesn't answer. His answering message is the stock robotic voice, he doesn't even have a voicemail personally set up. “Weird.” 

“He didn't answer?” Mijung asks. 

“No, and he didn't even talk when he called. He just… breathed,” Seungri says, warily placing his phone back onto the nightstand. 

“He probably just dialed you by mistake. Call him in the morning, go to sleep,” Mijung says as she rolls back over and throws the covers back over herself. 

But Seungri continues to look at his phone. “Something doesn't feel right, though,” he says. 

Mijung sighs from her side of the bed. Seungri ignores her, too caught up in the worry for his hyung. His hyung who has always been known to do and say weird things, but still, Seungri can't shake the feeling that something is off. The way he breathed….

Seungri gets out of bed. 

“Seungri--.”

“I'll be back, okay,” he says as he begins to throw on a pair of pants and grabbing his wallet, phone, and keys. 

___

Seunghyun still owns the same villa he bought all the way back then. He spent too much money on basically turning it into his personal art gallery to just sell it. Even when he had moved overseas. He'd rather keep it for storage than sell it. 

So that's where Seungri goes, not really having many options. He can't exactly guess on buying an international plane ticket. He feels slightly better about his rash decision when he pulls up and the lights are on. 

“Hyung?” Seungri says as he knocks on the door. There's no answer. He waits, knocking again, but doesn't hear anything, anyone inside.

Seeing the door keypad to his left, he decides to give it a chance. It's been a few years, but maybe the code is still the same? To Seungri's surprise, as he inputs the code, it chimes familiarly as it lights up green and the door clicks unlocked. 

Seungri lets himself into a well lit house, but a seemingly empty one. There are shoes in the foyer,, though. “Hyung? Are you home?”

He wanders inside, slowly, looking around for any signs of life. Slowly creeping down the hall, he comes upon the bathroom. The door is closed, but he can see a light on illuminated from underneath. It feel like a scary movie, thinking a monster is about to get him as he slowly turns the knob. 

The slow open turns into the door slamming into the back wall as Seungri rushes in as soon as he see's Seunghyun's lifeless body, slumped against his bathtub. 

“Hyung, hyung! Oh my god!” Seungri says, panicking, kneeling down to his hyung and trying to jostle him awake. Seunghyun groans, eyes closed as his body ragdolls. On the floor, Seungri notices the pill bottles and Seunghyun's cellphone blinking blue indicating Seungri's missed call. 

Without a second thought, Seungri snatches the phone from the floor and calls an ambulance. 

___

The hospital doesn't let Seungri stay for very long, nor do they let him leave his information. Something about not being “immediate family” which is honestly kinda bullshit considering how long he and Seunghyun have known each other. 

He goes home but doesn't sleep; can't sleep. He's jealous of his wife in their bedroom, sleeping like a baby, not having to deal with the image of Seunghyun passed out on his bathroom floor, or hooked up to various machines in the cold, emotionless emergency room. 

So he sits on the couch, TV on, but not really watching. The volume is down too low for him to pay attention anyway. It wouldn't matter though, because the images keep playing in his mind over and over. The anxiety of wondering if his former band mate is going to be okay torments him every time he closes his eyes. 

Like blinking, he wakes up to Mijung gently shaking his shoulder. “Did you sleep out here all night?” she asks. 

Seungri breathes with a start, shaking his head as he takes in his surroundings. Daylight pours in through the windows, the TV is still on. “What time is it?” 

“It's seven” Mijung says. 

Seungri rubs his face with his hands, sighing. “Ugh I got home at like four,” he says. He'd been sleeping for maybe two hours tops. “But I need to get back to the hospital,” he says, sitting up. 

“What, why?” Mijung asks with furrowed brows.

“It's hyung. It's Seunghyun hyung. I found him, last night,” Seungri says. The images come back to him, playing over and over. “He was passed out. I had to call 119.”

“Oh my god!” Mijung exclaims. “Is he okay?” 

“I don't know. But I'm not working today. I have to go see him,” Seungri says as he begins to gather his things-- keys and wallet thrown onto the coffee table, jacket draped over the back of the couch. 

“Oh. Well, I have to, you know… the filming,” Mijung says, giving a sidelong glance to nothing in particular.

“Don't.” Seungri reaches out to her, gently rests a hand on her shoulder before moving it up to cup her cheek. “It's okay, I'll be fine on my own,” he says with a small smile, reassuring. She gives a slight smile back, though she continues not to look at him.

“Okay,” Mijung says.

Seungri gives her a quick kiss before he shrugs on his jacket as he heads to the door. He slips on his shoes and as he opens the door he turns to his wife as says, “Love you, see you soon.”

“Love you too,” she says. 

___

Seungri just barely makes it to the hospital on a cheap convenience store coffee. When he gets to Seunghyun's room, thankfully no longer in the hectic ER, the older man is still unconscious. Seungri isn't sure if he's just sleeping or worse, but he sits at the empty chair in the room and prepares to wait and find out.

“Seungri-yah. Hey. Seungri, wake up.”

Seungri stirs with a jolt, a crick in his neck from the uncomfortable bent over position he fell asleep in. He groans before yawning. He fell asleep? That coffee really did not help. 

When he finally registers who is talking to him, though, he really wakes up. 

“Seunghyun!” Seungri says, too relieved to bother with honorifics as he rushes to the man's bed side, hugging him. “Oh my god, I was so worried.” 

Seunghyun doesn't hug back. “I'm sorry,” he says.

“Are you okay? What happened? Have you been awake long? Do you feel okay?” Seungri fires out questions a mile a minute. 

“Slow down, geez,” Seunghyun says. “I'm fine.”

Seungri frowns, the images come flooding back again. “No. No you're not.”

Seunghyun doesn't have a retort, he just looks down. Seungri studies his face, his expression, but it's unreadable. In his older age, it seems he's gotten better at acting, but Seungri isn't stupid. 

“Please talk to me,” Seungri begs. He takes Seunghyun's free hand, the one not currently attached to an IV, and holds it in both of Seungri's own. Seunghyun continues to look anywhere but at Seungri, the longer the silence between them stretching, the more Seunghyun's face begins to crack. It's his eyes that betray him, becoming glassy. 

“I didn't know who else to call, I'm sorry,” Seunghyun says. “I did try Youngbae and Jiyong, but they changed their numbers. You never have.”

“What about your mom? Your sister? Daesung, even?” Seungri asks.

Seunghyun doesn't answer, he just looks down and away, pinching the hospital blanket between his fingers. Seungri doesn't bother to repeat the question. 

“You don't want them to know you're here, do you?” Seungri says, solemnly. 

He studies Seunghyun closely as the older man slowly shakes his head. His hair is black and peppered with grey and white without being unnaturally dyed that way for once. The lines and wrinkles on his face are more present than ever. He's thin, he's always been thin, but he's never been so thin to look sickly, like he does now. He looks terrible, even having eye bags large enough to rival Seungri's own. Seungri frowns. 

“I won't tell anyone, but,” Seungri pauses for effect, squeezing Seunghyun's hand gently, getting the other man to actually look at him, “you need to talk to me.” 

Their eye contact is brief before Seunghyun looks away again. They sit in silence, Seungri hoping that maybe he can stare Seunghyun down into a heartfelt confession of some sorts. Into giving Seungri reason for why they're here, for why he had to find Seunghyun like that. 

“Don't you have some businesses to run?” Seunghyun says, cold. 

“Don't be like that,” Seungri says, unable to hide the hurt in his voice. “You called me, remember?”

Seunghyun remains silent, as does Seungri. They're playing 'don't break the ice' and Seungri won't lose to Seunghyun, staring him down as Seunghyun looks away. His eyes peak over to look at Seungri every couple seconds, as if maybe he were looking to see if Seungri had left. But Seungri isn't about to leave without answers. 

Impatient, Seungri ends up losing the break-the-ice game, “Seunghyun.”

Seunghyun breathes a sigh through his nose, still refusing to look directly at the younger man. 

“Fine, be that way,” Seungri says as he stands. “But you know I'm not giving up, hyung.”

Seungri walks over to Seunghyun's beside, reaches over to squeeze his shoulder, slowly letting his touch linger slightly down his arm before pulling away. Seunghyun's expression remains stoic, unchanging, but his eyes crinkle at the edges. 

“I'll be back tomorrow.” And with that Seungri leaves. 

___

Seungri keeps his promise for the next day and the few short days after, making time to visit Seunghyun a little bit each day. Usually in the afternoon, as Seungri usually has work in the mornings. Slowly the ice melts, though Seunghyun doesn't exactly give a heartfelt confession, he does laugh at Seungri's dumb jokes and happily exchanges stories from the past. 

They're busy reminiscing about the time Seungri fell off the back of the stage and ate shit. It hurt at the time, and the hyungs were definitely worried, but looking back he can laugh now. 

“I looked back and you were _gone_ ,” Seunghyun says with a chuckle, “I was like 'the song isn't even over and he already left!?'” Seunghyun upturns his palms, laughing through his wide-eyed expression. 

Seungri laughs loudly. “I smacked my elbow so hard, too! But I had to get back up and pretend to be okay. Thankfully it was the encore.”

“Yeah when we went back stage, you were like--.” Seunghyun makes an imitation, grabbing his arm as he winces and sucking in breath through his teeth. Seungri can't stop his giggles over Seunghyun's caricature of him. He definitely wasn't that dramatic at the time, but Seunghyun does make the memory funnier. 

“Excuse me,” a nurse says with a knock to the slightly ajar door. 

The two men immediately become silent. “Oh sorry, we're we too loud?” Seungri asks apologetically. 

“Ah, no, it's fine. I just came to let you know that we're going to be discharging you today, Mr. Choi,” she says. 

“That's great!” Seungri says, but when he turns to look at Seunghyun, his smile doesn't reach his eyes. 

“Thank you,” Seunghyun says and the nurse sees herself out. 

Seungri waits til she leaves, watching her go before once again turning to Seunghyun. “Hyung? Aren't you excited?” he asks thinking about all the times Seunghyun has complained about the food and being bored when Seungri wasn't there and the constant checking in of doctors and nurses round the clock. 

“Yeah,” he says, but it seems his acting has gotten worse in his older age. 

“You don't want to leave?” Seungri asks. “Why?”

Seunghyun closes in on himself again, shifting deeper into the hospital bed as he looks away from Seungri, his fingers twisting at the blankets. Outside the window seems particularly interesting to him, even though they're on a high up enough floor that all he can see are other high rise buildings. Unlike Seunghyun's villa, they can't even see the Han river from here.

Seunghyun's villa-- Seungri thinks. He remembers upon walking into it that night that among the cleanliness, the beautiful pieces of artwork that decorated the walls and filled up the room… it felt empty; hollow. Upon discharge, that's where Seunghyun would have to go back to. To be in his house, alone with his artwork collection. 

Seungri thinks, if Seunghyun had died that night, there would have been no one to find him. Only the paintings and sculptures and chairs starring, surrounding his lifeless body, unable to do anything. Seunghyun once remarked how certain pieces of art “spoke to him” upon seeing them, but they both know how silent and lifeless Seunghyun's home truly was. 

It's been a couple minutes of silence now, Seunghyun still starring out the window as Seungri stares at him. Once again, Seungri chooses to lose the game.

“Come stay with me,” Seungri says. Seunghyun's eyes briefly flicker in Seungri's direction before darting away again.

“No,” Seunghyun says simply. 

It causes Seungri to stand with a sigh. “I'm not taking no for an answer. I'm not going to leave you alone.”

“I wish you would,” Seunghyun says, still looking out the window.

Seungri glares even though Seunghyun doesn't see it. “ _You_ called _me_ ,” he says. 

Seungri knows he should bite back his anger, but it's really like pulling teeth with him. How can someone be so desperate for help yet too stubborn to accept it? He wants to grab Seunghyun by the shoulders, shake him, and ask him why is he being this way? What does he get out of it? 

“I know,” Seunghyun admits, “But I didn't mean to.”

Seungri's anger begins to bubble up, he really wants to say some choice words right about now about Seunghyun's attitude, but instead he sighs his frustration through his nose. “You did though,” Seungri says as he gathers his wallet and keys from the bedside table, “And you're going to call me again when they discharge you so I can pick you up.” 

Seungri waits a second for a response, but of course, it never comes. He leaves with that, hoping that Seunghyun does actually call him.  
___

It's almost five when Seungri's phone rings. He's in his office when he gets the call, doing a little overtime work as the near daily hospital visits have put him a little behind. Seungri answers on the second ring, perhaps a little too eager, but he had really been hoping Seunghyun would call.

“Hello?” Seungri says. There's a moment of silence on the other end in which Seungri again, only hears breathing. It gives him a slight panic, but he tries again, “hello?”

“Seungri,” Seunghyun says.

“Yes, hyung?”

There's a long pause before, “… Can you come pick me up?” 

The tension leaves Seungri's shoulders with a sigh. “Of course, hyung,” he says. “Of course I will.”

“Okay,” Seunghyun says. 

“Wait for me out front, okay?” Seungri says. 

“Okay.”

“See you soon, hyung. Bye.”

“Bye.”

___

Seungri watches as Seunghyun tentatively steps into the foyer of his house, his eyes wandering to the high ceilings and expansive living room just around the corner as he slips off his shoes. There's a certain trepidation in his actions, as if he were intruding, even though it was Seungri who invited him in. 

“I'll show you the guest room,” Seungri says as he leads Seunghyun down the hall. Every couple of steps Seungri looks over his shoulder to see Seunghyun admiring the art and decorations lining the walls. 

“You've gotten taste,” Seunghyun says as he stares at a particular piece, a painting of course. He looks at it as if he's trying to memorize every line, every dig of the thick paint of canvas and trying to decipher their meanings. 

“Not me, my wife,” Seungri says. Though Seungri thinks his taste is just fine, the majority of pieces in his house were his wife's idea. Even though these days she's working too much to be home to enjoy them like Seungri does. That's what happens when you're a top actress, though. 

Seunghyun turns to him, seemingly distracted from the painting. They stare at each other for a second, Seungri not exactly sure how to read Seunghyun's expression. The moment is brief however, as Seungri soon turns and continues to lead them both down the hallway. 

“Your wife, huh?” Seunghyun says as they walk into the guest bedroom. 

“You haven't met her have you?” Seungri asks. 

Seungri remembers having to ask Seunghyun's sister(after asking Youngbae how to get a hold of said sister) for his address in order to send a wedding invitation. It wasn't even that long ago, definitely less than a year. Regardless, Seungri never got a reply back. Not a “sorry I can't make it” or “congratulations,” just silence. And despite how Seungri had held out hope for his hyung to make a surprise appearance, Seunghyun never showed up. 

Seunghyun shakes his head in answer. Seungri, wanting to ask where Seunghyun was during the wedding, why he never asked about it or if he even cared, held his tongue. This wasn't the time to be bringing such a thing up. Seungri wouldn't lie though, the wedding pictures he took with his members felt a bit empty without Seunghyun there with them. The others noticed too, Seungri remembering their sad smiles at the mention of Seunghyun's name by other guests. They deflected, of course, saying “oh he was just busy but he sent a gift!” when that was a lie. The truth was none of them knew the real reason why Seunghyun had ghosted them on Seungri's wedding day.

But that's not important to Seungri now. He puts that pain in the back of his mind, of his heart. What's important to him is that Seunghyun is still alive and here now.

“You'll have to wait until the weekend to see her, unfortunately. She's currently got a hectic filming schedule,” Seungri says. 

Seunghyun's slight change in facial expression, the subtle brow lift, tells Seungri that Seunghyun doesn't even know who she is. Seungri would think Seunghyun would have at least read the name on the card. Maybe he didn't get the invitation? The itch to ask him becomes stronger. 

However, Seungri resists. “Well, anyway. I imagine you're going to need like, clothes and a toothbrush and stuff. Is any of that at your house?” he asks.

“No, I didn't bring anything with me,” Seunghyun says. Seungri tries not to show his concern at that statement.

“That's okay, hyung. I'll go get you some things. Or you can even borrow mine… but I think my clothes will fit you a little weird,” Seungri says, chipper. 

“I'll live,” Seunghyun deadpans. 

_Please do, hyung_ , Seungri thinks. 

___

Saturday morning Seungri wakes up to a seemingly lighter than normal bed and the sound of his phone ringing. He groans in his sleep, glaring at his phone on the nighstand from his wife's currently empty side of the bed. Just before it goes to voicemail, he manages to roll over to it.

“Hello?” Seungri says, voice groggy. 

“Hi, honey,” Mijung's sweet voice sounds through the speaker. “Sorry, did I wake you?”

“It's fine,” Seungri says. “You didn't come home?” 

It wasn't that odd, for one or both of them not to come home or see each other that often. Both of them being fairly young celebrities keeping them busy. Though Seungri himself has been able to switch to working mostly from home, Mijung can't exactly keep her job as an actress from home.

“Ah, they changed the schedule on me. And by the time I got done last night it was already midnight and I didn't know if you were awake so--”

“Don't worry about it,” Seungri interrupts her rambling voice. She's definitely the type to worry over nothing. Seungri was incredibly familiar with choosing work over personal life, it was just the nature of the job and he never held it over her. 

Mijung sighs over the line. “Okay,” she says, voice calming. “How is Seunghyun?”

Seunghyun… he hadn't left his bed since he moved in three days ago. Seungri brought him clothes and various toiletries and even his favorite snacks. Seunghyun had seemed genuinely surprised by those. They were an off brand of cookies he liked from a particular grocery back in the day. Other than that, Seungri isn't even sure if he's eaten anything of substance. 

“I'm not sure, he still doesn't talk much. I really want him to see a doctor but… I'm not his family so it's not like I can make him, because of the law,” Seungri says. He looked up an entire list of local doctors, therapists, self-help materials and printed them off for Seunghyun to see. But the last time Seungri had been in his room, they looked untouched, still in a the perfectly neat stack Seungri had left them in. “I try check on him and talk to him every day but… it's hard.” 

“I know. You're doing your best, though,” Mijung says. There's a slight noise in the background as Mijung's voice suddenly becomes distant, as if she's talking to someone else in the room. “Ah, honey, I have to go.”

“Okay, I love you,” Seungri says.

“Love you too, bye.”

“Bye.” With that, the line clicks and a chime sounds as the call ends. 

Seungri thinks he should probably check on Seunghyun.

As Seungri enters his room, light from the hallway floods in to the near pitch black space. If it weren't for the soft glow of sunlight behind the heavy curtains, then perhaps it would be total darkness without the door open. 

He sees Seunghyun still asleep in the bed, facing away from the door and tangled in the blankets. He's holding onto one of the larger pillows in his sleep, a habit he never quite grew out of, holding pillows or stuffed animals in his sleep. Unfortunately, Seungri doesn't have any ridiculously sized stuffed animals for Seunghyun to hold, so it seems he's improvised. It's a cute habit and makes Seungri smile. 

Though he wants to wake the older man, Seungri feels as though Seunghyun could probably use some good rest and decides against it. 

However, that good rest seems to be unending. 

Every morning, Seungri wakes to check on Seunghyun, and then periodically throughout the day. He spends most of the time in the dark of his room, in bed, sometimes only the light of his cellphone illuminating the darkness. The small conversations Seungri tries to make go nowhere fast, completely different from how he was in the hospital. The stack of papers on the bedside table remains untouched. 

Seungri notices that Seunghyun only eats when he's given food. He never wanders into the kitchen, not even at night. It's such a drastic change from the Seunghyun he used to know. The type of person who would stuff snacks into his bag backstage at concerts or who would be caught by Youngbae in the middle of the night rummaging through the fridge when they were kids. 

But the food Seungri brings him… it's picked at, half eaten. Seunghyun just says things like “I wasn't that hungry,” or “I don't feel like eating,” when Seungri is pretty sure he can see the gauntness in Seunghyun's cheeks even in the dark of the room. 

It's barely been a week of Seunghyun living with him, and Seungri isn't sure how much more he can take. He doesn't sleep well knowing that his hyung is choosing to waste away merely down the hall for him, at a loss at what he should be doing for the other man. But how do you help someone who doesn't want help? 

Seungri's loss of sleep causes him to be in his home office at odd hours now. It's 1AM, he can't sleep, and because of Seunghyun, he's severely behind on his work. And since he can't sleep, Seungri figures he should at least be doing something productive. He's typing away when hears the footsteps outside his office door before he hears the knock. 

He tries not to seemed shocked, or too happy at the idea of Seunghyun being out of his room for once. Putting on his best calm voice he says, “Yes, hyung?” Seungri turns around slightly. The door creaks open just enough for Seunghyun to peek through. 

“Can I come in?” Seunghyun says, tenuous. 

Seungri smiles wide, unable to hold it back. Truthfully he wants to almost celebrate this small victory, but Seunghyun is timid like a deer and Seungri doesn't want to scare him off. 

“Of course,” Seungri says. 

Seunghyun returns his smile as he steps inside the office, carefully closing the door behind him. The soft click of it seeming as if Seunghyun were afraid closing it normally would somehow disturb Seungri. Seungri stands, goes to drag a chair from a separate desk to place next to his. “Come sit,” he says, patting the seat. Seunghyun approaches, apprehensive. Every movement, every step super calculated as if the wrong move will set Seungri off. It's almost cute in a way. 

“What are you working on?” Seunghyun asks. If it weren't for the fact that Seunghyun is thirty nine with greying hair and wrinkled features, it'd almost be as if Seungri had a little brother coming in to bug him. But truthfully, Seungri isn't bothered. He's actually quite elated. 

“Ah, I'm just coming up with the release schedule for NHR. We're going to be debuting our first group later this year,” Seungri says as he turns back to the spreadsheet on his computer. 

“Fun,” Seunghyun says sarcastically. Seungri laughs. 

“Yeah, well, someone has to run the company, right?” Seungri raises a brow. 

“Mm. You've always been the responsible one.” 

Seungri breathes out a slight laugh through his nose before going back to work. They sit in a comfortable silence, the mere whir of the computer fan and clicks and tacks of the mouse and keyboard filling in for the lack of conversation. But it doesn't bother Seungri that they're not talking, he's just happy that Seunghyun wants to do anything else except for lie in bed. It's a step forward, a baby step, but Seungri will take what he can get. 

He's reading over something, lost in his work, almost completely oblivious to Seunghyun sitting next to him when suddenly he feels a touch on his thigh. Looking down he sees Seunghyun's hand resting there. Seungri is surprised for a small second before he smiles and reaches down to clasp onto the older man's hand. Their eyes meet and Seunghyun smiles back, neither of them saying a word.

Seungri continues to work like that, holding Seunghyun's hand. 

___

The next day, Seungri gets a bit of a late start. Having finally passed out somewhere around six, just after he finally urged Seunghyun to actually go back to bed after he wouldn't stop yawning. It was cute, but also super distracting and not helping to keep Seungri awake. 

He trudges into the kitchen, going directly for the coffee maker and pushing the button to pour a hot cup. Fresh coffee he doesn't have to wait to brew, technology is amazing.

With his coffee he sits at the kitchen table, slowly sipping as he browses the news and the stock market from his phone. He's in the middle of looking up the numbers for BC Holdings when his phone screen blinks into a phone call. It's Mijung.

“Hi dear,” Seungri says happily.

“Hi honey, did you just wake up?” she asks, definitely sounding more awake than he does. 

“Ha, yeah. Just now having some coffee. You?”

“I've been up since like, four or something? They keep changing the schedule on me,” she says, annoyed.

“That sucks.”

“Yeah, but not for long. Apparently the schedule change is because the studio needed to rush on filming because of some other project? I don't know the details, the important thing is that I should be coming home sometime this week! Hopefully by the weekend,” she says.

That news perks Seungri up more than the coffee ever could. “That's great. I really miss you,” he says. It's a bit of an understatement. What Seungri really wants to say is how much he needs her to have his own shoulder to lean on. Between work and caring for Seunghyun, he's made absolutely no time for himself or his own emotions. His wife, his best friend being gone isn't helping that. Especially since he isn't free to call her just whenever since she's working. 

“I miss you, too,” Mijung says. “I miss your smile, and your singing, and your lame jokes.”

“Heey,” Seungri says with a laugh. 

“Anyway, I have to get back to work. Just wanted to check in and let you know. I'll call you again when I'm for sure coming back,” she says.

“Alright, don't work too hard. Love you.”

“Love you, too,” she says. 

The line clicks and Seungri's phone screen fades back to the page he was on, but before he can continue reading, he sees Seunghyun standing in the kitchen entrance.

“Oh, hi, hyung!” Seungri says cheerily. 

“I smelled coffee,” Seunghyun deadpans. “Was that your wife?” he asks.

“Oh, yeah. She's hopefully going to come home this weekend. You'll finally be able to meet her,” Seungri says. 

The look on Seunghyun's face isn't one of happiness or excitement, in fact he looks pensive, almost as if he has to consider if he even wants to meet Mijung. Seungri's first instinct is to question it, wondering if maybe Seunghyun is apprehensive about anyone else seeing him still. But Seungri bites his tongue, thinking maybe it would be better not to make a big deal out of it. 

“Do you want some coffee?” Seungri asks. 

Slowly, Seunghyun nods with a blank expression before moving to sit across the table from the younger man. Even as Seungri presents him with the coffee, Seunghyun's demeanor remains the same. 

___

By Tuesday, Seungri finally catches up on his work. The schedules are made, he's gotten his files organized, emailed all the important people he's been having almost running his businesses in his absence. And it's only 8PM. He thinks maybe he can finally get his sleep schedule back in good standing as he walks towards his bedroom. 

“Seungri-yah,” Seunghyun says, voice barely audible from down the hall. As Seungri turns around he sees Seunghyun peeking out from his bedroom door. 

“Yes, hyung?” Seungri says as he approaches. 

Seunghyun purses his lips, looks at the ground. “Do you have any work to do tonight?” he asks. 

Seungri shakes his head. “Actually I was just about to go to bed at a decent hour for once.” He laughs.

“Oh.”

Seungri puts on a worried expression, confused. “Is something wrong, hyung?”

Seunghyun sighs through his nose, pushing against the door, wriggling it back and forth as he shuffles back and forth. “Can't sleep,” he says. 

Seungri has to resist the urge to call Seunghyun cute then and there, but really… it kinda is. He's very much like a child sometimes. And while most would find it annoying, Seungri finds it endearing. There's a part of him that really likes taking care of others, almost like a parental instinct of sorts. He wants to nothing but reassure Seunghyun, wants to make him feel wanted and loved, like family. Because he is, to more people than just Seungri. It's unfortunate that he doesn't believe that though. 

“I'll stay up with you, hyung,” Seungri offers.

“No, no. You're tired, I--”

“I'm staying up with you,” Seungri says more firmly. Seunghyun doesn't argue.

___

They're in the living room. It's dark aside from the glow of the TV slightly illuminating their surroundings. Seungri can just barely make the clock on the wall… 2:25AM… 2:52AM? Either way, it's late and Seungri can no longer stifle his yawns as Seunghyun sits wide awake as ever on the couch next to him. 

He was actually tired enough to go to bed early, but of course it can't be that simple. 

Seungri wakes up to the feeling of something warm and soft surrounding him, underneath him. In his sleep-addled brain he thinks it's Mijung and nuzzles into her, because who else could it be? He isn't a stranger to cuddling with his wife in the middle of the night. 

However, as he slowly wakes, he notices how different her body feels. The width of her waist, the size and weight of her arms, and the noticeably flat, muscled chest...

Peering open his eyes, Seungri glares at the glow of the still on TV before looking over the person he's currently spooning with. It's Seunghyun. 

Seungri has to laugh. They passed out on the couch as if they were still freshly debuted teen idols dorming it. Back then, by the time they would get any time to watch TV, exhaustion would catch up with them so it wasn't weird for the members to spend the night in the living room together. Though normally it would be their manager waking them up, Seungri first of course. He wasn't sure if it was because of his age or the fact that the two eldest members, Seunghyun and Jiyong, were incredibly difficult to wake up. 

However, now the mere slight stirring of Seungri gets Seunghyun to open his eyes easily. Seungri smiles, letting out a breathy, sleepy giggle. “We fell asleep,” he says.

Seunghyun smiles at him, the proximity of their closeness making Seungri notice how the lines in his face wrinkle slightly as he does. “Yeah.”

Seungri sits up and off the older man, stretching and yawning as he does. He moves for the TV remote next, clicking off the TV. His eyes catch the clock and this time he can actually read it, 1:13PM.

“Do you want some coffee, hyung?” Seungri asks. 

“Yeah,” Seunghyun says, relaxed but not unemotional. There's a certain contentment to his voice, for the first time in awhile, it feels normal. It feels like the Seunghyun he used to know. Unlike the person he's seen for the past couple weeks who sounded somewhere between blank and on the edge of despair. 

It gives Seungri hope.

___

“Seungri-yaah,” Jiyong's whiny tone sounds through the phone. “Come out to dinner with mee.”

Seungri pauses in the middle of the hallway. Normally he would say yes, no question. But… going out to dinner with Jiyong would mean leaving Seunghyun alone for at least a few hours. And Seungri already feels like a bad person for having to go to the store or having to actually physically visit his studio office. And he's already deflected weekend calls from Jonghun and David. 

“Ah, sorry I can't, hyung,” Seungri says, trying to put on his best 'sorry' voice. 

Jiyong sighs and clicks his tongue. “Oh come on, both our wives are busy working. Let's have a guys night out!” he begs. 

Seungri raises a brow. “What about your daughter?”

“It's grandma and grandpa week,” Jiyong says cheekily. 

Seungri sighs, looking around down the hall and back. Quietly, he sneaks into an empty room, softly closing the door behind him before lowering his voice to a whisper. “Hyung, I really, really can't.”

“Stop working all the time. When did you become so fucking boring? Geez.”

“It's not work,” Seungri retorts. 

“Then what?”

“It's… personal. I really can't say,” Seungri says. He promised Seunghyun not to tell. 

“Seungri…,” Jiyong puts on his Leader Voice. It reminds Seungri of long days and nights in the studio, trying to sing just right for Jiyong's particular ears. Seungri really hates hearing it. He wants to retort, tell Jiyong that he can't pull that shit anymore. But Seungri also really doesn't want or need to get an argument right now. 

“I promised him I wouldn't say,” Seungri says and doesn't realize what he's said until he's already said it.

“Him?” Jiyong asks. 

_Goddamnit_ , Seungri thinks. He breathes in a long sigh through his nose. 

“Listen, I can't tell you why, but Seunghyun hyung is here and I can't leave him alone right now, okay?” Seungri says, biting his lips and thinking about how Seunghyun will hate him for telling.

“What? Why? Is he okay?” Jiyong says, worried. 

“I said I can't say. Just trust me, okay? It won't be a secret forever, but right now, it has to be,” Seungri whispers harshly into the phone, hoping to get across to blabber mouth Jiyong how important this is. 

Jiyong makes an unimpressed sound through the phone. “I don't like this.”

“Please hyung, this is serious,” Seungri says, as he leans his head back against the closed door. Really, he wishes he could just tell Jiyong. If it were up to him, Seungri would make sure Seunghyun had all the support in the world, but Seungri is afraid that will only push him further away. 

It's an awkward, long pause between them before Jiyong finally answers, “Fine… but I expect you to call me the moment something goes wrong.”

Seungri hesitates. “… I don't know if I can promise that.”

“We've known each other for like twenty years now, Seungri. You always call on your hyungs to clean up your messes,” Jiyong says. 

Seungri snorts. “Yeah, yeah.”

“Be good to Seunghyun hyung, okay?”

“Yes, hyung. I will. Bye.” 

“Bye.” 

___

It doesn't happen on purpose, but their “movie nights” become a regular thing. 

It continues simply because Seunghyun asks if they can. And Seungri doesn't feel as if he's in the position to deny Seunghyun something so easy. Seungri's just incredibly happy that Seunghyun wants to do anything other than stay in bed. It felt like a miracle that night he came into Seungri's office. It's one baby step at a time.

There they sit again for the third night this week, on the couch with takeout littering the coffee table. Seunghyun ate like he was starving, and to be honest he probably was. There were too many times where the food Seungri would bring would remain untouched. 

Seungri did go a little bit all out on the food, to be honest. There's certainly enough here to keep in his fridge as leftovers for a few days. Plus the amount of sugary snacks he'd gotten from the convenience store down the street. Seunghyun didn't know it, but it was their last night alone together. Seungri still hasn't told him that Mijung is going to come home tomorrow night, slightly afraid Seunghyun will be angry when she shows up and go hide, afraid to be seen. 

Even though Seungri had made the excuse of “you need to eat more” upon seeing Seunghyun's raised eyebrows at the vast amount of food splayed out, the truth was he just wanted to spoil the other man and hopefully give him a bit of happiness before the eventual fallout. 

“This has been nice, hyung,” Seungri muses aloud softly over the noise of the TV. They're sitting close enough, practically snuggling, that Seungri could whisper and Seunghyun would hear it. 

“What do you mean?” Seunghyun asks, turning slightly to look at the younger man.

“I like spending time with you like this,” Seungri clarifies, looking back. It's better than you staying in your room, he thinks to himself. 

Seunghyun purses his lips as he turns away, continuing to stare intently at the TV screen. Seungri feels the stiffness in his body, the way Seunghyun's arm around him tightens, how he seems to avoid Seungri starring at him. 

“Hyung? You alright?” Seungri asks and when Seunghyun finally looks at him, he looks.. sad? His eyebrows upturned with the slightest frown on his face. 

Seunghyun looks at him as if he were deep in thought, contemplating something that Seungri can't figure out. Seunghyun arm, the one not currently draped across Seungri's shoulders, reaches over, his trembling hand moving up to Seungri's cheek.

Seungri puffs out a slight laugh, thinking maybe Seunghyun is about to pinch his cheek and call him cute or something before pulling at his skin and forcing Seungri to make an ugly face. The familiar, affectionate teasing that Seungri is used to. 

“Ha ha, hyung, what are you do--”

The press of lips on his is sudden and surprising. Seungri is actually so flabbergasted by the fact that Seunghyun is kissing him, that it takes a second for him to react, shoving Seunghyun away by the chest.

“Hyung, what the fuck?!” Seungri exclaims, unable to hide his anger. 

“Seungri… I… I just thought--”

“You thought what? I have a _wife_ ,” Seungri replies, brows furrowed, bitterness in his voice. He's incredulous, practically offended at the idea of Seunghyun trying to coerce him to cheat. 

Seunghyun just stares at him, mouth agape and eyes glassy. Seungri glares back, waiting for an explanation, something--anything. Anything but what Seungri thinks Seunghyun meant by that kiss. Seungri so badly wants Seunghyun to break into an awkward laugh and play it off like a terrible joke, but the moment never comes. 

Unceremoniously, Seungri jolts up from the couch. He grabs his phone, wallet, and keys in a rush, slamming various objects around in his silent rage. There's probably spilled food on the floor from his haste, but really Seungri couldn't give a fuck. He needs to leave. He slips on his shoes, stuffing his feet into them awkwardly, carelessly, and stomps out the front door. He slams it on the way out, not bothering to look back. Seungri can't bear to look at the other man right now. Seunghyun, who had the gall to have that betrayed look in his eyes when it's Seungri who had been wronged. 

He peels out of the driveway, not sure of where he's going. Just knowing that he needs time to cool his head before he says something he truly regrets. 

___

It's a couple hours of aimlessly driving around Seoul, sitting by the Han river, and trying to call his wife. None of which really helped all that much. Especially since Mijung wouldn't, or couldn't, answer her phone. However, it does give him time to think. 

Seungri thinks of how he could have misread Seunghyun's intentions. How long has he felt that way? Is that why he called Seungri that night? Or maybe he was just that lonely. Seungri has been the only figure in Seunghyun's life for… Seungri doesn't know how long. At least a month. It should be expected for him to become a little attached, especially considering how long they've known each other. 

Then he thinks of his reaction.... The way he pushed Seunghyun away. How he let his temper tantrum take control. The words that swam in his head, that threatened to spill out: _disgusting, bastard, ridiculous, homewrecker_. All the awful things he thought of calling Seunghyun in the heat of the moment. Seungri is at least glad he had enough sense to just leave before making things worse. With time to think, Seungri comes to the realization that perhaps Seunghyun just wasn't in the right state of mind. He hasn't been quite right these past couple weeks as it is. Seungri should have been more understanding, more calm. He should've asked why, should've talked to the other man like an adult. 

Seunghyun had tried to kill himself. He had closed himself off from the rest of the world and confined himself to a small space. And Seungri, the one person for whom Seunghyun reached out for help, angrily pushed him away at his most vulnerable moment. Who's the disgusting one again?

As Seungri arrives back at his house, he sits in his car, engine off yet headlights shining onto the garage door. He takes a deep breath as the lights fade off, thinking of how he should apologize before deciding to go inside. How should he word it? " _Hyung I'm sorry I was an asshole but why did you kiss me_ "? " _I'm sorry about earlier but can we talk_ "? " _I made a mess didn't I? Haha. Sorry._ "? Honestly, there wasn't an easy way to start such a difficult conversation.

The house is eerily quiet when Seungri enters. The food from earlier remains half on the table, half on the floor. The TV is still on, but the noise of it doesn't drown out how empty his home feels. 

“Seunghyun hyung?' Seungri says as he walks down the hall, looking for any signs of the other man.

Opening the door to Seunghyun's bedroom, Seungri sees his phone is still there, along with clothes strewn about, messy. But what catches his eye are the papers Seungri had left there almost two weeks ago, overturned on the bed with something scrawled on the back page. Curious, he reads. 

“ _I won't bother you anymore. Goodbye_.”

Seungri stares wide-eyed at the paper in his now trembling hands. The memories come rushing back-- the breathing over the phone, Seunghyun's lifeless body on the bathroom floor. 

As he frantically takes out his phone, the paper falls from his hands, wafting in the air before landing unceremoniously on the floor.

He tries to call Mijung. Of course, she's still working, so the phone just rings and rings and rings and rings until it reaches her voicemail. Hanging up, he quickly calls Jiyong. 

“Whaaaat?” Jiyong answers sarcastically.

“Hyung, hyung,” Seungri can't hide the fear, the near tears tremble in his voice, “I fucked up bad. So bad. Seunghyun hyung--I don't—he's--”

“Woah, woah, what? Slow down, what the fuck are you talking about?” Jiyong asks, his voice taking on a serious tone. 

“He's _gone_. He was here but now, now I can't find him! I don't know what to do—I fucked up so bad.” Seungri can't stop the tears now, fist in his hair, body crumpling as he sinks to the floor. 

“What the fuck are you talking about?! Where are you?!” Jiyong says, progressively angrier. 

Seungri takes in deep gulps of breath between his sobs, his mind playing the images from the night he found Seunghyun over and over and over again. His mind tortures him relentlessly with the thoughts he can't put into words. He's supposed to be the rational one, the maknae who is more like a hyung. Never letting his real emotions get the better of him, even in the worst of times. 

During that night, even though Seungri was scared out of his mind, thinking Seunghyun might die, he still had hope. Because he still had the opportunity to save him. But this time… there's nothing. Seunghyun has left with only a single sentence letter left behind. His phone, all the clothes Seungri bought him, everything-- it's all there in the guest room, his room. 

_This isn't happening. this isn't happening. This isn't happening._

Seungri tries to inwardly shout over his thoughts. It's also as if somewhere in the distance Jiyong is yelling at him. He can't tell what or from where, but it's a near deafening mix of thoughts and sounds surrounding him until it all goes black. 

 

____

Seungri wakes up alone on the cold floor, the blinking light from his cellphone having burning bright behind his eyes. He stares at it as another message pops up on the lock screen:

Jiyongie Hyung 7:23PM  
ANSWER ME

It's one of many messages, for sure. Looking past his phone Seungri sees the letter again, feels the now cold streaks of tears on his cheeks and has to hold back adding fresh warm ones to them. Past that he sees the sleeve of one of Seunghyun's shirts he bought for him hanging from the bed. The button down one with the checkered pattern, like those pajamas he used to love back in the day. Slowly he reaches for it, it slides down off the bed with a small tug. 

Seungri pulls it to himself, overwhelmed with Seunghyun's scent. It was new, less than a month old, but it fucking smells like him and Seungri can't stop the tears from coming back this time. Seunghyun is gone again and this is all that's left of him. A stupid fucking shirt. 

“I can't, hyung,” Seungri says, pressing the fabric into his face and dampening it with his tears.

“I'm sorry, Seunghyun hyung… I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please come back. I'm so, so sorry.”

His cries go unheard in the empty room.

**Author's Note:**

> so this was my fic for this year's olymfics! I wanna thank my teammates for their help and also for stepping up in general to make sure we had fics to submit. as for the fic itself, I was mostly inspired by the lyrics instead of the mv because the mv is kinda nonsense? and I put a lot of thought into the "universe" of this fic despite not really expressing all the details I thought about. like for example I didn't really get to explore much of what seunghyun was going through through his pov. lol but anyway, this is mostly unbeta'd so any concrit would be great. thanks!


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